Sex Lives: A Guy Who Doesn’t See Anything Wrong With Ex Sex

I don’t really cut ties with the women I’ve dated. I’ve usually maintained friendships with them; there are quite a few with whom I’d hook up with years after we’d broken up. I’ve always kind of had this big group of friends, the kind that they tell you people don’t have as adults. So I think that kind of facilitated it. I had this dynamic specifically with a buddy of mine where he would bring a woman into the group and she would immediately prefer me over him and I’d end up hooking up with her or dating her, but then she’d stay in the group. So then we’d end up hooking up again later maybe. I was never one to ghost people or, like, run them off if things didn’t work out romantically. I’m still on good terms with all of these women, too. I could still call almost any of them right now and see how they’re doing and it wouldn’t be weird.

I’m married now with a one year old and a four year old, and my wife and I have very different backgrounds. I have more exes than she does and I’m eight and half years older than she is. We met working together, but we grew up very differently. She grew up in an evangelical Christian household. I grew up… well, I grew up in a very liberal area. Before we met, she had had sex one time and it resulted in a pregnancy and she went through the adoption process with an open adoption. We are still good friends with that family. I don’t know any of her exes, she didn’t have a lot of exes. She didn’t date seriously in high school outside of going to dances—she had a couple of boyfriends in college, and then I met her when she was a senior in college.

My wife and I didn’t have sex before we got married. We had known each other for less than two years when we got married. She brought it up right out of the gate that she wasn’t going to have sex before marriage. On our first date she told me the whole story about her birth child. A good part of our first date was that conversation; both of us are very upfront about that kind of stuff. Before that first date even, she’d made it clear she didn’t want to have sex before getting married. To be honest, though, the only thing we didn’t do was full on intercourse before marriage.

Early on in our dating, she had her first orgasm. I will admit that not having sex before marriage did give me a little pause. To be very, very crass, the way I thought of it was like “I want to test drive the car before buying it.” I know that’s awful! That’s the language I’d use at the time—I’m not defending it. But I didn’t want to marry someone if I had zero chemistry. As time went on, I grew less worried. Like I said, we did everything but penetrative sex. So I was like, “Ok the last bit of this can’t be so unbelievably bad.” The first time we had sex was on our wedding night. Once that night and twice the next morning. It was great right off the bat. It’s stayed great. Would we both like to have sex more often? Sure. Is it the end of the world? No. We’re realists. We’re exhausted. The quality is still really good, we’re both really engaged in it.

Sex Lives: A Guy Who Learned About Sex From Watching Porn With His Friends 

John in New Jersey talks about hooking up in college, getting a happy-ending massage, and the difference between finding someone hot and being turned on by them. 

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