The Real-Life Diet of Tom Segura, Who Won’t Tour Without His Trainer These Days

Do you cook on the bus or are you being really particular about what you’re ordering at restaurants? 

We don’t really cook on the bus. Sometimes we’ll do oatmeal with banana and we’ll put protein powder into that. Or we’ll do protein shakes on the bus—we have a blender. A lot of it is eating out, but we also got Piedmontese steaks, and those really go to the house, but they make these really great beef sticks that are high-quality, so we have a bunch of those. We try to have snacks around that are not just shitty food. We like Perfect Bars too, we have those pretty often. With a lot of the food, we just try to find the best place for dinner and you’re just basically on a rotation of chicken, salmon and steak. 

What made you decide to take on this many tour dates? I remember you negging Bert in the past for always being gone, and then all of a sudden you announce the biggest tour ever.  

I signed up for too many tour dates, I will admit that. I think the only way that it happened the way that it did is because of the pandemic. Because when you’re not working at all and you start to go like, “When am I gonna work again?” For a minute it felt scary, like is touring done? 

At the time we were booking out a tour that was a year away, and it just didn’t feel real until it started, but I’ve definitely overdone it. I wish I had not done quite what I signed up for cause it actually has been exhausting and taxing on me and my family. It’s too much. Now I’m coming toward the end of it, but I would never organize a tour like this again. 

I was glad to see you doing Sober October. How did that go? 

I’m not a big party guy so it’s not like eliminating that stuff is a challenge, really. I would have a casual drink maybe after a show or something that I don’t do now, but I enjoy doing it for the month. The fun part for me is that I’m doing it with three other friends. That’s what I would encourage other people to do: Get a group of people together, especially your friends because then there’s the camaraderie and the shit-talking, and that’s the part that really makes it fun. 

The funny thing is, the first time we ever did it, it was completely just for Bert. We were like, “We need to do something for this guy, like he’s out of control and he drinks too much and parties too hard,” and that was the first time. Then this year, that was the motivation again. The rest of us were like, “We gotta try something.” It’s crazy cause he’s literally this anomaly, most people once they get into their 30s and 40s—and he’ll be 50 soon!—they really have to dial back how they party and drink and stuff. We were like, “Oh, we gotta do this again.” So, Bert was really the motivation. 

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